(Part Five) Atomic Habits - The habit of not drinking.
The 2nd Law - Make it Attractive (ch 8-10)
If you are new here, welcome! This series, The Habit of Not Drinking, is less of a book report on Atomic Habits (my fav non-quit-lit, quit-lit book) and more of an examination of how and why we drink and how to change our habits to create an irresistible alcohol-free lifestyle. It’s also a guide on how to get out of your f*cking way and stop self-sabotaging :)
If you have been here for some time and have upgraded your subscription (TYSM!), you will find a section titled Four Things Sobriety at the bottom of each of these emails. As you already know, researching is second nature for me, and sharing the intel is my love language. I’m also a bossy, only child, Gen X’er - so this tracks.
Find the earlier chapter reviews below.
MAKE NOT DRINKING IRRESISTIBLE.
I am not afraid to say that this is a top reason I stay on this alcohol-free journey.
Does this come from a place of vanity? Yeah, for sure. But tell me who doesn’t want to look and feel good? Tell me who isn’t attracted to someone who is lit up from the inside, who doesn’t need alcohol at a party to enjoy themselves, who has palpable confidence when they walk into any room?
That’s what I see when I meet someone who doesn’t drink.
I don’t care what they actually look like.
It’s the energy that they carry. THAT is what is irresistible.
A guy used to come into the bar where I worked. While he would hang out with his friends, eat, and always seemed to be enjoying himself, he never ordered alcohol. After getting to know him a little, I finally asked why he didn’t drink. Shockingly, I was polite about it, which typically was never the case. My politeness probably had more to do with his energy than my own. And that’s what I am talking about when I talk about attractive energy. When someone has a solid energy base, we try to match them.
He never provided a clear answer and smoothly changed the topic. Nonetheless, I admired this human. In that bar, we were surrounded by pure chaos and debauchery, and I will never forget how steady and safe he felt.
That shit is magnetic, irresistible and incredibly attractive.
And I wanted some of that!
While I have no idea what happened to that person, his (attractive) sober presence stayed with me.
The alcohol industry has invested billions in making its products attractive. Think of all those beer commercials, or old pin-up posters one would find hanging in a garage with a bikini-wearing bombshell pouring a beer. Leading people to believe that if they drink Coors Light, they will be surrounded by beautiful women.
Or check out this campaign that promoted Corona as the beer for Olympic athletes and people who want to be like them.
And the truth is, it works. And the other truth is, we don’t even need these campaigns to romanticize these ideas. We already do it on our own.
I romantized the shit out of alcohol and what I thought drinking would do for me and my social life. I thought drinking was fabulous and that it made me equally as fabulous. I thought all the fancy restaurants and bars I frequented meant something. And I thought it said something about me. Specifically, that I was special, that I belonged.
All of it was false. While yes, those places were fun and sophisticated and all the things, I didn’t need to swallow a liquid to get permission to enter them. If you think about it, we don’t need alcohol to do anything.
If we can romanticize a life fueled by alcohol, we can certainly romanticize a life free from alcohol. A practical approach is simply a shift in perspective—swapping how we see one lifestyle vs. another. My whole ethos regarding The Sober Glow is sharing how we can romance our alcohol-free lifestyle.
It’s not that hard because life without alcohol is actually so much more beautiful, any which way you look at it. But that’s just my opinion.
Supernormal stimuli = a heightened version of reality. - James Clear.
They exaggerate features that are naturally attractive to us, and our instincts go wild as a result, driving us into exessive shopping habits, social media habits, porn habits, eating habits, and many more.
….and drinking habits!
Drink this beer, and you will get this girl.
Drink this beer, and you will win a gold medal.
Go out drinking and you’ll be the star of the party.
All the cool kids drink, so if you wanna be cool…
To be considered sophisticated, you need to drink expensive wine.
As mentioned in a previous newsletter on this topic, humans are inherently programmed to desire belonging. When a behavior is performed and supported by other humans, especially those we admire, we naturally want to emulate it.
This is what took place between me and my non-drinking customer. I was already so over the drinking scene (yet, years away from quitting), and his presence and non-drinking behavior showed me another way - a different way - a way far more attractive than what everyone else was doing. At that time, he was my supernormal stimulus.
But I continued falling for the social norm.
According to James Clear, we imitate the habits of three groups in particular.
The close.
The many.
The powerful.
HOW CAN WE USE THIS INFORMATION TO MAKE THE HABIT OF NOT DRINKING SOMETHING TO IMITATE?
Imitating the Close, the Many and the Powerful.
I was 39 years old when I quit drinking for good. I had already spent years cultivating the friendships and relationships with the people in my life, and I loved all of our connections. But all my friends drank alcohol—a lot. Not to mention my husband and I drank together all the time.
My friendships didn’t change all that much after I quit. No one outright dropped me, but, of course, I learned that some were annoyed by my decision and hoped (or bet) that I would be back drinking again in no time. After a year or so, I knew I had to extend my circle of friends by meeting more people who understood what I was going through, and that's how The Sober Glow came to life - purely out of my desire to connect with like-minded individuals.
Quickly, I amassed a community of women who all lived in NYC (the close) and then all over the world (the many), and formed kinships with the changemakers (the powerful) - all of whom inspired the shit out of me. Ultimately, I became a strong voice in the alcohol-free movement, and the accountability I had with myself and within my community became my greatest blessing and responsibility. I honestly don’t know if I would have made it to year two had I not started The Sober Glow.
Habits are attractive when we associate them with positive feelings, and we can use this insight to our advantage rather than to our detriment. - James Clear
Now, not everyone will want to put themselves on a social media platform to stick with a habit, but it worked wonders for me. Getting positive feedback when I shared how great this lifestyle choice was only solidified my habit of not drinking. The support reinforced what I was saying and feeling, making my habit increasingly attractive. This is what JC refers to as a dopamine-driven feedback loop.
Reframing your habits to highlight their benefits rather than their drawbacks is a fast and lightweight way to reprogram your mind and make a habit seem more attractive. - James Clear
Take, for example, two different people expressing thoughts on their choice to quit drinking alcohol. The first seems upset, only talks shit about how hard life is, and complains none stop about how boring life is without alcohol. The following person expresses this choice as an opportunity for new beginnings and experiences, and is genuinely excited about what’s to come.
Both experiences are real for that person. Neither is better nor worse. And yet, who do you think will enjoy their choice more? Who is going to find more opportunities? Who will likely go the distance? - Nothing is for certain, but we can probably guess.
When I quit, it never occurred to me to see it as a loss. I thought if I continued drinking, that would be my loss. And I’ve never waivered on this belief, because it slowly became ingrained in me.
By reframing my thoughts on sobriety, I discovered gold twice. First, by quitting drinking and then by sharing my story!
This is for anyone who has put herself on the back burner…