Vol 2.18 Missed opportunities
What happens within friendships when you quit drinking.
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In my twenties and thirties I would have never admitted that alcohol was the glue that kept many of my relationships going. Not that I was in denial or trying to hide it, but because I would have never thought twice about it. Everyone in my life drank, and when something is so prominent in your life, it tends to become invisible. When we see something every day, we stop actually seeing it.
When I quit drinking in 2015, I had just turned 39, and I was adamant that my choice to quit would not change anything when it came to my female friendships. And for a long time, I truly believed it could be done. I am not sure if I was naïve or just romanticizing these friendships, but things did begin to change, or maybe I should say, I began to see the open cracks where the alcohol had filled in.
And not that these cracks were the downfall of my friendships (*this is not an essay on how to drop all your friends because you have grown and they haven’t; I don’t subscribe to that toxic positivity narrative), but these cracks were more like invitations to assess who and what about the relationship feels good and what doesn’t. However, because I was so focused that nothing would change when I quit drinking, I missed many opportunities to create closer, more honest connections within some of my friendships.
WHAT FELT GOOD: When my friends would ask me why I quit drinking, and they showed genuine interest in my answer.
WHAT DIDN’T FEEL GOOD: When my friends would ask me why I quit drinking and it felt more like judgment or an interrogation. When the conversation would quickly move to them explaining to me how they did NOT have any issues with their own drinking.
MISSED OPPORTUNITY: To have an honest conversation about their drinking and how my choice has nothing to do with them. I would have addressed this head-on. I would let them know that I was not judging them, calling them out, or secretly trying to get everyone around me to quit drinking. And I would have reminded them that my choice was actually an opportunity for me to become a better friend to them.
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WHAT FELT GOOD: When a friend would ask me if I was okay if they drank while being around me. This was always, and still is, the sweetest gesture.