Thoughts on gossip

A lesson learned from the alcohol-free lifestyle.

Certain messages deserve a second moment of attention and are simply too applicable to be shared only once. From the Archives is a curated collection of past writings (no longer behind a paywall)—some preserved in their original form, others edited and refreshed with updated links and resources.

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Gossip:

I am using the word gossip as a blanket term for bad-mouthing, talking shit, complaining about others, and those sneaky insinuating remarks.

1. Have you ever met a woman and been immediately attracted to her? Something about her was incredibly appealing to you. She is comfortable and easy to be around. Every interaction with her leaves you feeling good. Or maybe you’ve never met IRL, but she is your favorite follow online, or friend of a friend, or chef on YouTube. Whoever she is, you really like and respect her.

2. Now think of another woman who annoys you. She might be an acquaintance, someone online, or a co-worker; it doesn’t matter. In your mind, this woman is just too…. something. She has qualities that drive you up the wall. You don't want to give her any attention, yet you keep track of her (probably from afar) and stay all up in her business, waiting for her to make a mistake. You can't wait until she falls from her pedestal (which you probably put her on). You feel annoyed and maybe some competitiveness whenever you interact with her.

3. Lastly, think about the woman who pisses you off. In your mind, she is the worst. In your opinion, she has some qualities that you can’t stand. You dislike, or maybe even loathe her. You avoid her at all costs. But instead of letting her go, you hang on to your distaste for her, and you tell everybody who will listen what a terrible person she is. You also follow it up with how little she means to you, even though you secretly give her valuable mental space all the time.

In the early weeks of the pandemic, I signed up for an online meditation course that involved the participants being placed into small cohorts for discussion and accountability. There was one rule put upon us: No gossiping or complaining. When I first read the rule, it ruffled my feathers a bit, and my immediate thought was, Oh, this woman doesn’t want people talking shit about her and her course and how ballsy to tell me what I can or can’t talk about. Looking back, I can’t help but laugh at how bitchy the thought was. And ironically, I have learned so much about myself —and other women —because of a rule unapologetically imposed upon us. So, kudos to that teacher.

Historically, I have never shied away from an excellent bitch fest. I have gossiped and complained about other women, and I know I have been the center of other women’s complaints and gossip. I think it’s safe to say we all have. Most of us remember discovering someone was talking behind our backs. Whether they were spreading rumors, calling you names, or sharing your secrets, it happens to the best of us, and it feels like shit. As I have become more self-aware (thank you, AF lifestyle), I have also discovered that it feels awful to be near women who love to gossip about other women. I would also argue that the person who is doing the gossiping will eventually feel like crap as well, because the act of gossiping is incredibly low energy. Even though it may feel good to connect with someone by talking about another person, that feeling of connection doesn’t last long.

So why do we continue doing it when it makes everyone involved feel like shit?

I believe, and my lived experience as a woman has shown me, that the impulse to gossip stems from how another person makes us feel about ourselves.

Let’s go back to the three opening scenarios.

I. What you appreciate in another is what you have yourself.

I prompted the first question because connecting with something positive is easy. When we recognize something great in another person, we have that same great trait within ourselves. If you see beauty, you have beauty. If you see kindness, you have kindness. If you can celebrate someone else’s success, you believe you, too, can feel that successful. When you see someone with a possibility, you know you, too, have that possibility. If you see someone loving, open, and full of life, you recognize that you have it inside of yourself as well.

Simply put, like recognizes like.

However, the next two scenarios don’t feel as great, but they follow the same concept.

II. What you envy in another is what you want for yourself.

An admiring quality when unconsciously recognized in another can sometimes present as envy or jealousy. This is one of the top reasons women gossip about or badmouth other women. It doesn't need to be about a physical trait or material object. She may have the ability to say no. Or maybe she can easily speak up for herself. Or perhaps she has a set of boundaries that we wish we had. It can be anything, tangible or intangible.

Think back to the last time someone really tweaked your jealousy bone – it wasn’t about her; it was about you.

In reality, she has sparked something in you – a desire for something you either don’t recognize in yourself or you don’t believe you deserve. As a result, you may start picking her apart, looking for her “flaws” because she somehow makes you feel flawed.

Again, you have the quality you see in the other person, but you don’t recognize it in yourself or believe you are worthy enough to have it.

An example of where I see this living inside of me:

I can think of someone I know who brings out my envy. She lives life in a big and bold way, is hilarious, says exactly what she is thinking, wears many hats, follows all her curiosities, and doesn’t care about what anyone thinks of her or how she lives her life.

I fully recognize that I possess these admirable traits, and yet it comes down to a feeling of worth. Am I worthy enough to be that free? That big, that bold? Am I worthy enough to be exactly who I am and say and do what I want, even if that means people won't like me or think I’m too much? Am I worthy enough to be my fully expressed self to the world?

These feelings are so juvenile and silly, but not abnormal. I’m fully aware of what my ego is doing here, but this awareness doesn't mean I haven’t talked shit about her to my husband and picked apart things she has said and done because she has triggered something inside of me.

And even though she often gets under my skin, I continue to follow her work. I laugh because it’s so ridiculous. I clearly admire her and these traits, but the reality is that these feelings are simply showing me what I want and what is possible for how I want to live my life. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize what these feelings genuinely mean and a lot of vulnerability to admit it.

And no, I will not be sharing who she is.

III. What you dislike in another is what you dislike in yourself.

Now, onto the person who actually makes you angry or brings up feelings of disdain, and the other top reason (IMHO) women gossip about other women. You don't want to be around this person or interact with her in any way. You find her offensive in some way. You may work with or be related to her, or maybe she’s an old friend. Whoever she is, you just can’t stand her and I’m willing to bet you could quickly come up with some not-so-kind adjectives to describe her.

Maybe you’d describe her as messy, lazy, destructive, flaky, controlling, a complainer, negative, a poor communicator, small-minded, egregious, irritating, a know-it-all, angry, mean, cold, or passive-aggressive.

These are all qualities that I have recognized in another person, a co-worker, a friend, a family member, and complete strangers. They are also all qualities I have seen in myself and have tried to repress, ignore, or deny. What we dislike in other women is generally what we unconsciously-- or consciously- dislike in ourselves and/or refuse to accept. The space where we keep these attributes pushed down is what is known as our shadow side. Whether or not we have done shadow work, it’s not easy to understand or accept.

So, the next time you are about to enter into a gossip session, remember this: The moment you open your mouth to gossip about another woman is the moment you share all of your fears and insecurities.

Gossip is rooted in fear; people can smell it a mile away.

Now that we are aware, how do we stop it?

That simple rule from my meditation teacher laying out the rule of — no gossiping or complaining — has forever changed how I interact with other women and what I choose not to participate in. Now, I am not saying we can never gossip again. But we must recognize that being labeled as someone who gossips is not a good look, nor is it great for our reputation, let alone our energetic body. Life is short; is this really how we want to spend our time? Is this really how we want to connect with other people?

Choosing not to engage in this behavior is a practice - one that takes time and a lot of self-awareness. Just having the wherewithal of this behavior can help halt our impulses to talk shit and recognize it for what it is.

What to do when you are the one gossiping about other women.

• Before you speak, ask yourself, is what you will say a fact, or is it an opinion or emotionally charged?

• Do you have permission to say it?

• What is your purpose in sharing these thoughts on this person? Are you looking to make yourself feel better? Are you looking for validation from others? Are you looking to form alliances against her? Are you looking to take something away from her, such as a reputation or accolade?

• Did she deny you something you wanted, and is your dislike for her now because of this denial?

• Is this gossip worth your reputation?

• Is this something you would say to her face? Or are you only willing to say it behind her back?

When we answer these questions honestly, we will not waste our time gossiping or bad-mouthing other women.

What to do when someone else is gossiping about other women, especially women you know or are friends with.

• First, recognize that this is not about the subject of the gossip; it’s actually about the woman doing the gossiping.

• Gently try to change the topic.

• If someone has a lot of complaints, ask what a solution could be.

• Suggest they speak to the person directly.

• Consider telling them that while you appreciate their opinion, your experience with the subject differs.

• Tell them they should wait to talk about it until the other person can be part of the conversation.

• Explain that you feel uncomfortable talking about this other person behind their back and would like to end the conversation.

• If none of this works, simply leave the conversation. Hopefully, they’ll get the hint.

If someone is gossiping about you.

• Resist the temptation to behave the same way by striking back.

• An option once you are calm and non-reactive: Approach the person and tell her you don’t appreciate what she said and would like her to stop the behavior. I also suggest leaving it at that and not getting into a back-and-forth conversation at this time. Set your boundaries, and move on.

• If it’s a co-worker, stay professional at all costs. If this person is unapproachable or relentless, go to management or HR.

• If you are close to the person in question, have the conversation sooner rather than later and nip it in the bud. The longer we take to address the situation, the more likely we will work ourselves up about it.

• Do not involve other people. If another person informs you of this behavior, be thankful for the information and end the conversation. Do not defend yourself or try to get the other person more involved. It’s always smart to take it straight to the person doing the gossiping.

• Consider your relationship with the person in question and act accordingly. Maybe you can move past it after you have a conversation. Or maybe you need to end the relationship. You will have to decide what is best for you.

• Remember, whatever the gossip may be, the act always says more about the person doing it rather than the subject of the gossip.

Female dynamics is a vast topic that has confused me since I was a little girl, and even at 49, it can still spin me around. However, as I have evolved as a person with boundaries, my relationships have changed. The way I show up as a friend and the way I behave have changed. This also includes the behavior I now accept from my relationships. One of my pillars for living an alcohol-free lifestyle is to create and maintain strong boundaries. Surprising to no one but myself, some of my most significant growth over the last eight plus years has been a result of implementing these boundaries. I am proud of the person I have become in my relationships and the new friendships I have attracted and created along the way.

Give grace, get grace. Shall we commit to trying?…… I say, Yes!

Q&A

1. What are your thoughts?

2. How does the topic of gossip sit with you?

3. What is your most recent story on this topic?

4. Do you think the topics of gossip and personal boundaries have a connection?

5. Do you have any resources you would like to share regarding navigating female friendships?