"The idea of the holidays without alcohol is very sad to me."

Dear Glow...

The Sober Glow Studio is an extension of what was started on social media circa 2016. As I have evolved, the topics I cover have naturally evolved. Here, I provide stories, recommendations, and resources on the art of living an alcohol-free lifestyle, navigating health & midlife, and anything that simply feels good.

Q:

Hello there! Happy Holidays! So I have been following you for a while. I am in that area where I love to drink (wine) but I know it’s bad for me. I have been diagnosed with pancolitis. You being a nurse knows what that means. So my diet and lifestyle will have to change but I am really having a hard time with this. I love going to Napa. Love my wine! My husband by the way is a huge wine drinker. It’s just so sad to go to dinner and have a club soda or a mocktail. I can’t seem to grasp that. I am super depressed about it. I just got diagnosed with this after a colitis flare I have been experiencing for a month. I know I sound shallow maybe. I don’t even know what I sound like. I wish I had the willpower you and many people have. The idea of the holidays without alcohol is very sad to me. Anyhow I love reading your posts and podcast. And thanks for helping so many out there.

A:

When I read B's question, I immediately felt the frustration and overwhelm she must have felt. And I don’t blame her. The decision to choose between a drinking lifestyle and a non-drinking lifestyle can be ridiculously overwhelming, no matter how or why one arrives at that crossroad to begin with.

I wanted to share this question because it’s not just one question but more like eight questions in one. Sobriety is complex, but it becomes more palatable when we break it down into small bite-size pieces. Whether B knows it or not, she sees some part of herself in me. She also connects with what I write online because she has it inside of her. And that alone is in her favor.

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1 - She has a knowing “I love to drink (wine) but I know it’s bad for me”

2 - Her health has been affected. “diagnosed with pancolitis” “diet and lifestyle will have to change”

3 - She loves her lifestyle of drinking “love going to Napa” “love my wine”

4 - She has a partner who is a “huge wine drinker”

5 - She’s dealing with a loss of identity, “sad” “depressed” “can’t seem to grasp”

6 - She’s self-deprecating “I know I sound shallow”

7 - She believes people who don’t drink are doing it with sheer “willpower”

8 - She is worried about upcoming events, such as “holidays”

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1 - A knowing - “I love to drink (wine), but I know it’s bad for me.”

Whether you are someone who has already quit drinking, wants to, has to, or is just curious about whether or not it should be considered, if you have that “knowing,” you must honor it. I am a full believer in the power of intuition, and no matter how tuned out we are or how much we don’t believe in that woo-woo shit, if your inner voice is telling you something is not right….then something is not right. I can not tell you how many times I heard this voice over the years while I was still drinking. I’ve shared this many times, but my journal entry from my 21st birthday literally said, “This is not for me.”

The thing is, many of us, if not all of us, will hear that voice, and then we will immediately ignore it, shove it down, laugh it off, argue with it, or say, yeah, I hear you, but I just don’t want to deal with you right now.

Everyone is different, and how we handle that voice will be different. But no matter what, you are not unique. You are not unique in thinking you are the only person who loves drinking wine, so this decision is extra hard for you. No. Quitting drinking in this culture, any culture, honestly, is going to be challenging in some way. Of course, the level of hard will vary. But we can’t think for one second that we are unique and our story is different. The journey is different, yes. The reasons that got us there may be different, yes. Ultimately, the fact is that we all have to choose (whether we have to, want to, or are forced to), and that is the same for everyone. We are single-handedly the only person responsible for the actual and literal decision to drink or not to drink. Period.

I am not one to demonize alcohol. And the same goes for most things. I think alcohol is neutral. It’s how we, as individuals, choose to use it. Not to go too deep into this concept, but alcohol has been used for thousands of years for things other than to change our state—for example, mouthwash and herbal tincture carriers.

You must find it in yourself to trust this voice and follow it. You have nothing to lose by trying. We get so caught up on being perfect, and if we do something, it has to be 100% all in, or it doesn’t count, and we often don’t give ourselves the gift of just exploring. There is nothing wrong with testing the waters to see how you feel. Try one night, one weekend, one week. Something small and attainable. I don’t suggest moderating because once you start drinking, all bets are off. The concept of moderating is great. However, I have found the reality of it to be much more challenging than just not drinking at all. Yes, 1-2 drinks may be ok, but once that alcohol reaches your brain, specifically the decision-making part of the brain, your frontal lobe, you are inhibited in some way. How many times have you said you would go out for just one drink, only to wake up the next day with a regrettable hangover, having no idea how the night went so bad? It’s because the brain that initially said just one is not the same brain that says yes or no to the third and fourth drink.

While coaching clients or talking to people about drinking in general, I like to suggest they take a night off completely and document how they feel. I want them to start testing this on themselves rather than making big, lofty plans and unattainable goals for no clear reason.

So, if you know that drinking is not for you, explore it and try it out. Go easy on yourself and give yourself loads of grace in the process. But, if you fall into this next category and your health is acutely compromised, please read on.

2 - Health is being affected - “diagnosed with pancolitis” “diet and lifestyle will have to change.”

For the non-medical reader, pancolitis is the inflammation of the entire colon. I know it well because I worked with GI (gastrointestinal patients) for several years. As a woman with experience in the alcohol-free lifestyle as well as being a registered nurse, I can say with an educated urgency, don’t f*ck with alcohol if there is a health condition. We get so caught up with removing toxins from our food, skincare, home products, clothing, etc., but we rarely, if ever, consider the alcohol we ingest into our sweet little bodies. As someone who doesn’t like to demonize substances (alcohol, sugar, gluten, non-organic fruit…), it’s not the toxin, but the amount of toxin we are ingesting that is more concerning. Because when people drink, they usually don’t just drink 1-2 glasses a week. It’s more like 2-3 glasses a night (for the social drinkers, as per social standards) and a bottle or two for those who are really getting after it. Of course, there is a large spectrum here, but I think you get what I am saying. It’s more about the amount than the toxic quality of the substance. I, for one, was consuming a hell of a lot more alcohol than I was consuming non-organic strawberries covered in pesticides. But telling someone to stop eating non-organic strawberries is a lot different than the conversation you will have when you suggest cutting out their alcohol.

In this case, when health is on the line, and someone really needs to stop, and the wiggle room to explore this choice isn’t there anymore, I would first suggest getting your team together. Tell your PCP and gastroenterologist (or any specialist you see), get a therapist or coach, talk to other non-drinkers, and get your closest, most valued, trustworthy friends and family involved.

If you believe you have an addiction, get help immediately. Along with the above suggestions, you can also include inpatient or outpatient rehab and/or other addiction services, including meetings or a variety of programs to help with addiction and recovery.

3 - Loves this lifestyle of drinking - “love going to Napa” “love my wine”

I do not doubt that you love your drinking lifestyle. We don’t do something consistently without getting something from it. B, I don’t know you personally, so I don’t know exactly what you love about drinking wine and the lifestyle, but I think I could make a pretty good guess.

As we know, alcohol is the number one socially accepted drug. It can make us feel good, calm our nerves, and invites us to feel part of something. It can also make us feel less insecure and scared while feeling more free and open.

The choice to drink can make life easy in many ways and in ways that we don’t often consider until we no longer drink and the activity of drinking is no longer an option. When we are drinkers, we always have something to do. When you don’t drink, certain aspects of drinking culture get more tricky. Like deciding what to do with friends getting together. How to interact with co-workers outside of work. What to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon when the sun is shining. How to date. Getting married. Getting divorced. Hosting parties. Going on vacation.

As I mentioned, it gets tricky, and it takes work to come up with things to do that are not centered around alcohol. But it’s absolutely possible. And it can be quite an adventure if you can stay open to it. But honestly, in the first few months, you will probably just be getting your bearings. Keep your circle of trusted people close. You will need them.

4 - A partner who drinks - “huge wine drinker”

I am assuming your husband is aware of all that is going on and that you need to stop drinking due to health reasons. Serious health reasons. I hope he is understanding and can be a steadfast rock for you as you navigate this new lifestyle. I have heard many stories of partners who are beyond supportive and even go as far as quitting themselves. I have also been shocked by the level of assholery that other partners have offered. I am unsure where your husband falls in the support arena; you only said he is a huge wine drinker.

Couples therapy would be very healthy and a great way to discuss the gravity of this choice. Therapy can also suggest ways for your partner to support you fully and ways for you to support yourself if your partner is not entirely on board. You need to be fiercely honest with yourself and, when ready, with your partner.

Getting your footing and taking care of your needs come first—not your partners. This may sound harsh, but you must put yourself first. You also need to figure out exactly what and who you need in your life right now.

I know this all sounds like a lot, but I want to repeat it over and over: It is worth it. Putting yourself first and taking care of your health is imperative. We only get one chance here. Why not live life to the fullest in the healthiest way possible? I want you and everyone else to wake up feeling good, energized, and ready to be the fully embodied human my loved ones need me to be.

5 - Dealing with a loss of identity - “sad” “depressed” “can’t seem to grasp.”

I know you currently think living a sober lifestyle is sad, depressing, and incomprehensible, but let me share this: the truth of it all is that it is the opposite of what you feel right now.

Trust me when I say that I would never trade a night out drinking, no matter how fun, how adventurous, how magical, for what I have now. I have a sense of self that I never fully grasped when I was drinking. Even though I was never addicted to alcohol, I was completely missing opportunities for growth over and over. Yes, I had fun while drinking, some of the most fun. But I am a completely different human now. I have better relationships and can choose my relationships with open eyes and an open heart, but more importantly, I have the best relationship with myself. I trust myself. I believe in myself. I love myself.

I have both softened and strengthened my boundaries. I know who I am, what I need, and what I want, and I have a greater sense of how to accomplish all of it.

Your life will 100% change for the better. It may not always seem like that, but once you have some time away from your current drinking lifestyle, you will realize how much you have grown and learned. I can’t wait to hear about it.

6 - Self-deprecating mode - “I know I sound shallow.”

Listen to me. You get to feel whatever you want and need to feel. Feel it all. Cry it out. Scream it out. Laugh it out. Allow yourself to go through it all. I don’t suggest that you try to label and judge yourself. We, humans, are our own worst critics. We have to stop this.

How can you find ease in all this? Who can you talk to? Do you have any tools to help with stress? Do you know how to get through not drinking without drinking? Do you have a community you can turn to? Find a safe space where you can feel everything you need to feel and express it all.

7 - Believes only one way to do it - “willpower.”

Willpower will only get you so far. There is no way that I could have managed 9+ years of not drinking just on sheer willpower. That said, I also don’t think everyone who quits drinking needs to do it the same way. Hell no. This is where you get to have some fun and feel things out. Does joining an online group feel good? Does the idea of having a conversation with someone who is doing what you want, feel good? What about replacing happy hour with a workout? How about starting and keeping a journal through this extraordinary moment in your life?

May I suggest finding things that you like to do and start incorporating as much of it into your life right now. This is not the time to hold back. Spoil yourself. Give yourself free time to take a hot bath. Treat yourself to a massage or some luscious oils for a self-soothing session. Explore teas and the rituals around drinking them mindfully. Buy yourself some nice silky PJs, or drive yourself to the ocean for a cold plunge. Go for a walk in nature. Allow yourself to rest as much as you can. Create homecooked meals, or spend hours just looking at beautiful cookbooks. Take yourself off the hook and skip out on events that don’t feel good right now. Yes, even skip the holiday party if you feel more anxiety about going than not going. The point is, whatever floats your boat. Be fierce with how well you treat yourself as you explore all the magic of a more intentional way of living.

Find what inspires you, and do that!

8 - Upcoming events - “holidays”

There will always be an event. Whether it’s the holidays, a birthday, a wedding, a funeral, or a family reunion. The best time to quit drinking is now. Literally right now. If the idea of being a non-drinker piques your interest, then try it now.

Ok, let’s imagine a holiday not drinking. Of course, you are nervous because everyone is going to be expecting you to have your alcohol. But you did some research and found a great mocktail recipe. Yes, a mocktail. Not only did you pick fresh ingredients for this mocktail, but you also chose some herbs to add that are gut-friendly and soothing. This mocktail tastes delicious, it’s functional, and it will help lubricate the GI system (marshmallow root is a great start).

You are fully present in everything that you do and every conversation you have. You may be with people over the holidays that you don’t get to see all that often, so how amazing is it that you fully get to embrace this time? Or the opposite is true, and the people you are with over the holidays are not your favorite, but you have a clear mind to state any boundaries that need to be in place, and you are not drinking into awkwardness or getting into arguments.

Your friends and family get home safely because they have a designated driver. Instead of crashing into bed that night, possibly drunk, possibly blacked out, you set some time aside to do some self-care (of your choice). You get into bed tired but with an unbelievable feeling of pride. And you don’t talk yourself out of feeling this. You fully feel into it. Because you know more than anyone will ever know that you just took one giant step forward into your new life.

To B and anyone curious about this lifestyle - you’ve got this. And you have thousands of people behind you supporting you, even if you don’t see them. We are all here for you.

Cheers to the endless love for this life and this choice,

XX,

Mia