It’s been a minute since spending more than a few weeks resourcing you all on midlife and hormone health. It also feels like more and more people are starting to join in on this conversation. Still, I am not sure if that’s because I am actively looking for the exchange or if our society is finally setting aside some lowbrow behaviors and taking the health of women of all ages seriously.
Imagine saying the word perimenopause and not seeing women (or men, for that matter) recoil in their seats.
Imagine women talking to one another about what to expect when their endocrine system starts to fluctuate.
Imagine women being prepared and having an established team of medical professionals and healers who are educated and willing to listen and explore all the options that are out there.
Imagine insurance companies covering all hormone replacement therapy for women.
Imagine pharmacy’s not having the right to refuse the sale of certain HRT to women.
Imagine medical doctors telling their female patients that perimenopause is natural but that they don’t have to suffer. The same way they tell men who develop ED. Yes, things can be natural, but you have choices, and you certainly don’t have to suffer just because it’s a natural process of life.
Subscriber comment:
I'd love to have a conversation one day (maybe after we cover the biology & symptoms) about the emotional changes of menopause. For instance, maybe the grief we might feel around losing our fertility, moving from the identity of maiden to that of the crone, how do we honor ourselves in this new identity? Etc. I'll be 49 in March, and so far, for me, the biggest changes I'm feeling are really emotional and contemplative. Big feelings I've ignored are now no longer willing to be ignored.
Dear K,
When you first wrote this to me, I wasn’t fully ready to answer it in the way that I felt it should be answered. It’s so important to know about the physical changes that happen to a woman in midlife. The emotional changes are just as important. But if we dig even deeper into the emotions of it all, we can differentiate the public-facing emotional turmoil we may be feeling as well as the deep-seated inner turmoil that we go through secretly not wanting to talk about it with anyone. God forbid we have confusion, fear, and insecurity about getting older. We are told by most of society that it’s natural and that we should be grateful and happy to be alive. And with the work that I do as an oncology nurse, I will be the first one to say hell yes to that. And yet, it can still feel like a secret hell.
We all handle getting older differently. And we have all judged someone for the way they have handled it. And if any of you deny this, I will call your bullshit. Lovingly, of course. But bullshit.
There are the women who seemingly flow into middle age with grace as if they have been waiting all their life to get there. Then there are women who fight it with very drastic measures. And then the women somewhere in between. There are women who openly talk about it and those that deny, deny, deny. It doesn’t matter how you handle it because, one way or the other, we will all be handling it. Unless we are dead that is.
I understand the woman who wants to age as naturally as possible. And I also understand the woman who chooses to spend her money doing anything she can to look a certain way in order to feel a certain way. I get both sides. The only argument that I can’t get down with is the one that says you should look young and good, but don’t you dare say that you want that for yourself.
Again, all this is to say that we can honor that feeling of grief and loss for our youth, our maiden. And we can celebrate that part of the process by how we live. We can't go wrong if we are honest and acknowledge how we genuinely feel and move from a place of openness and vulnerability about this aging journey. One of the best parts of getting older is that I no longer care what people think of me and how I choose to live my life. I am open to speaking about it all, even if someone is uncomfortable with my honesty. Because that has nothing to do with me, that's on them.
It was the honesty and openness of a dear friend who unabashedly told me her story of perimenopause and HRT that literally saved my ass. That dinner party conversation changed my life. 100%.
Imagine that!
Now feeling good is my die-hard priority, and the whole reason behind creating this space was that I was in a place that felt lonely and miserable. I had no idea that I was physically in perimenopause and that all the symptoms I suffered from were due to this one thing. I just felt that I had changed and aged twenty years overnight. It killed my spirit, and I had a wrecked sense of self. And I don't want this to be the narrative for other women. I want this conversation to be open and empowering because the alternative sucks.
We all need to have more honest conversations with our girlfriends about aging, the things that are changing without our control, and how we plan to navigate it as opposed to the typical conversations that are just us making cracks at ourselves and each other. Suppose we start talking to our trusted female circles first. Then naturally, it will become easier to talk about it more openly with others as well. Oddly, my husband is the person I speak with about this the most. Is that the best idea? I know it's probably not the sexiest conversation, but he's my best friend, so he's going to hear about it. Recently, he's started talking to me about his feelings about getting older and his physical changes. One of the more endearing things I've experienced recently was when we were back east for a wedding that gathered all our NYC friends. That weekend, multiple conversations were happening between the men around aging. And I was living for it! Hearing those guys talk about losing their hair or going gray, getting dad bods, dwindling stamina, and wrinkles with honesty was so sweet and refreshing.
So yes, we can have ALL of the conversations here around midlife, but I suggest also starting the conversation with your trusted circle of friends. Not the ones that are going to judge you, or hold it against you, or act like you are on an island of one, but the ones that will say, yea, me too.
The MIDLIFE round-up:
Three books, four podcasts, a recent movie, and a Netflix series underdog that you probably haven’t heard of….yet.