My Quit Story

the Sober Glow

Originally written around the year 2016/17

“But you didn’t have a problem, did you?” Just about every one of my friends and family members, along with my own mother, has asked me this. I have summed up my answer to some version of “you don’t have to have a drinking problem for drinking to create problems.” In my twenties and thirties, I preached how balanced I was. At the time, I was teaching yoga, traveling the world, running races, doing the latest cleanse, as well as earning three degrees. What did it matter if I was able to throw back a bottle of wine (and some beer, maybe some tequila, oh, and some smokes) on any given night if I was taking shots of wheatgrass in the morning? I could defend my behavior with the age-old adage, “work hard, play hard.” But balance it was not. I wasn’t physically addicted to alcohol, but my drinking was not serving any purpose in my life. I knew that if I wanted the life I so desperately craved and so consistently talked about, then I had to get rid of what was holding me back.

Alcohol was the common denominator in all my roadblocks, setbacks, excuses, reasons and justifications. Drinking alcohol kept me small, and I was tired of playing small, period. I was no longer going to self-sabotage myself with bullshit happy hours and worthless hangovers. I finally wrapped my head around the fact that I was done drinking.

The physical act of drinking is such a common practice and so highly incorporated into our society that the promotion and glamorization of it are nearly invisible. It wasn’t until I became a self-proclaimed Teetotaler that I realized the extreme amount of advertising of booze that hits us daily. And it’s not just the cheesy posters with some bikini-clad young girl holding a dewy wet bottle of beer that you see hanging up at an interstate truck stop. One of the heavy hitters today is the Health and Wellness Industry, the same industry I was so desperately following and living by. No one can dispute that we as a society are in the cyclone of a healthy lifestyle movement. We are cleaning up our lives, exercising more, and becoming more aware of the food we eat and the effects on the environment from our choices. Millennials and beyond are finding financial freedom and new career paths by posting pictures on Instagram of their breakfast smoothies, vegan dinner plates, and their latest hike up Runyon Canyon. Publically sharing our healthy choices is the new way that we are keeping up with the Joneses. And if we highlight our diets and fitness regimens, then we can easily divert attention from our drinking habits.

The truth is that I was the epitome of the so-called healthy and motivated girl, but if you looked closely, I was teetering on a drinking problem and silently blowing up my own life by not listening to all the advice I was so quick to throw out at everyone else. I loved to make people believe I was walking my own talk, and from all outside appearances, I was. I had the whole persona nailed down, but I knew the truth was that I had been questioning my own drinking for years. That inner voice of mine was becoming louder and louder, and when I’d wake up from a long night out and look at myself in the mirror, the answer to what life would be like if I continued drinking was all over my tired and puffy face. I could no longer be that person. I had to leave the party, and I had to remove the laid-back-fun-girl mask I had been wearing longer than I could remember.

On Sept 9, 2015, I had my last drink. Sept 10, 2015, was day one. Day one of my new life, a life I had yet to fully understand, and the beginning of the adventure of finding who I truly was. My last day drinking is not one of those terrible drinking war stories you hear from your old college dorm mate. There was no drama, no arrests, no emergency room visits, just the decision that I was done.

I want to be so very clear here, I did not just wake up one day and say, “Alcohol is shit. I’m not drinking it anymore.” No, not even close.

It took many years for me to hear that inner voice telling me that alcohol was not good for me. It took even longer for me to finally listen and take action. I had been prepping for the big quit for years, but there was never going to be a perfect time. There was always going to be a birthday, holiday, or wedding to celebrate. I knew that what I wanted for my life was waiting on the other side of that wine glass, and I could not wait any longer. Like would go on with all of the celebrations and milestones, and I was going to be able to truly appreciate and be present for every second of them.

The week after I quit, I found myself combing Kripalu’s website (Kripalu is hands down my favorite place in the world, having visited the center many times prior). I saw that Noah Levine, who I had only recently come across, was hosting his Refuge Recovery workshop that weekend. I signed up not knowing anything about it other than Noah was a sober Buddhist meditation teacher. Three days would be with Noah, and the other seven would be enjoying the R&R program.

The experience was beautiful. I didn’t speak to anyone, and I kept quiet in the workshop all weekend. I observed and listened to every single word that people were saying and did my best not to judge myself or anyone else. I turned off my phone and cut off communication with all of my friends and family, even my husband. I spent my free time running, journaling in different cozy nooks around the grounds, meditating, swimming in the lake, and reading. I knew that if I didn’t focus on my life and truly address the fact that I was self-sabotaging it and slowly ruining everything, then I would easily slip back into old habits with the excuse, “but everyone else is doing it.”

I had wanted to quit drinking and had been saying I was going to quit for years. My 21st birthday journal entry even reads this is NOT for you. How’s that for the all-knowing? So when people ask me how I quit, instead of saying what I can only assume they are expecting me to say (sad, embarrassing, reckless story) I say, “I went to Kripalu, and it was a game changer.” I did not go to rehab, there was no detoxing, I did not need a sponsor, and there were no physical cravings. I could say I did this all on my own, but honestly, I believe it was bigger than just me. It was as if someone was guiding me because once I made the switch, it was done. I knew my

Life would never be the same. I just didn’t know the extent to which it would change.

I wish I could tell you precisely what switched in me, but to this day, I am still trying to understand it all. Everyone will have their own way of quitting or moderating or even mindfully drinking. You may resonate with my story, or you might not. The message here is to give yourself a chance and walk in the direction that feels right. If a recovery meeting is calling you, go. If you need to get away, whether a yoga retreat or detox center, explore those options and make the move. If you want to tell everyone in your life on day one, do so. If you don’t want to tell anyone, don’t. Only you will know what’s right. But what I do know, and what I can share with confidence, is you must get quiet. Only then will you hear and see your true direction.