How my sobriety has evolved over the years.
Part I. The perception of others + the first three years.
No one really knows how others will perceive them. I have no idea whether what you read here will align with your perception and knowledge of me, or if I will suddenly be ripped off some pedestal or somewhere in the middle. And that goes with today or any other day that I put parts of myself out into a public space. As someone who has shared her thoughts and experiences online, off and on, for nearly a decade, others’ perception of me has never mattered less. And that feels like freedom to me. Maybe that’s just age.
This freedom comes largely from what I have learned and acknowledged about myself over these past years. Since childhood, I have constantly scanned for rejection as a way to protect myself. When you live this way, you will always find a way to feel rejected. And when you learn this about yourself, you also learn that what was once a constant blaring internal alarm can slowly be managed into a much quieter signal that doesn’t rule your world.
People’s perception of others is never about the “other” but about the person doing the perceiving. The way I experience someone is always about who I am, never them. It’s about how I feel about life, my values, my needs, my preferences, my own experience walking this earth. It’s having this self-awareness of my own biases that gives me this information. We all judge other people based on our lives, not theirs. We can be a hero or a villain in someone else’s world, and it has nothing to do with us. So I will never stay in a box (of my own doing or others') to make people comfortable, nor would I want you to.
One of the aspects of what I refer to as the art of the alcohol-free lifestyle that I have never talked about is the possibility of finding joy in other substances that don’t make you feel like shit, but rather ones that bring pleasure and healing to your life.
Of course, as someone who does not think, speak, or write from the lens of addiction or recovery and someone who has always been very clear about that distinction, this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. And I respect that immensely. I also respect and trust myself and my ability to choose what is best for me and to share in a way that describes the truth of my own experience and how my choices have slowly changed how I see, live, and share my own sobriety.
PART 1 The first three years 2015-2018
In medicine, when it comes to medications, we have what is known as the loading dose. This is known as a “higher-than-normal initial dose of medication (or multiple doses) used to rapidly achieve a target therapeutic concentration in the blood when immediate effects are required.”1
I call the first couple of years after having quit alcohol, my loading dose years. This was my time where nothing in the all-or-nothing way of thinking took precedence.