FAQ # 5
How do you handle people questioning your decision? (also how do you handle the a**holes?)
A note from Mia:
I will be answering the most frequently asked questions that I have received from readers over the years. These answers will be my take on an aspect of an alcohol-free life. At the beginning of this journey for me, I found that reading about other women living a well-lived life without alcohol was very helpful. My internal compass moves when inspired, so I hope that I can share some of that here. PLEASE remember that all answers come from my perspective and may not be the right answers for you.Â
*Questions on the bottom are for you.
How do you handle people questioning your decision? (also how do you handle the a**holes?)
It depends. Most of the time, I love it when people ask me questions because I enjoy talking about it. It's what I like most about coaching. It also gives me a glimpse into what people are really curious about—which is often themselves and their own drinking habits. The conversation will usually turn into someone telling me exactly how little they drink and assuring me that they don't have a problem. I let them talk it out and explain themselves, while I politely smile and nod until they are done. See, I've learned to conserve my energy by allowing these one-way conversations to unfold and then end without my actual input. I've also learned that people don't actually want feedback on what us non-drinkers genuinely see and feel. Plain and simple, people can get weird around the topic of drinking vs. not drinking. So much so that it can be quite amusing at times, when it's not utterly annoying that is.
When you want to have a two-way conversation on the topic, some folks like to practice their responses to these types of questions (you can do this with a mirror or a friend). I like this idea because I can still get tripped up over my words when questioned about something so near and dear to me. Plus, explaining why I am going against something so culturally accepted can be difficult. Why? Well, people RARELY leave it alone. So it's great to be prepared for the well-intentioned and the assholes. As we all know by now, alcohol is the only drug you have to explain why you don't use it.
Side note; it has not just been drinkers who ask about my lack of drinking. I have been questioned quite aggressively by other non-drinkers wanting to know if my sober story is "legit." Just because someone is sober doesn't make them immune from being an asshole. I learned that the hard way - too much benefit, not enough doubt.
"People can get weird around the topic of drinking vs. not drinking"
The three keywords that usually come up in these types of conversations are "balance," "moderation," and "study."Â
If you feel comfortable and have a general response to these three keyword arguments, I think you will do great.
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION:
Drinker/Questioner using the word balance –Â
"Life is about balance, I don't see anything wrong with having a glass or two of wine".
Response:Â
"Of course not, and by all means, if it doesn't affect you. However, I believe that balance is actually a word we use as an excuse, and most people use it around the choices they know to be less than a stellar choice. We never hear people use the term balance when explaining why they are going to the gym.
And for the record, the women I know (including myself) drink a hell of a lot more than two glasses of wine at a time".Â
Drinker/Questioner using the word moderation: -Â
"It's all about moderation. I think as soon as I tell myself, I can't have something, that's all I want. I'm not going to punish myself, life is short".
Response:Â
"Certainly, moderation is a good thing. However, how often and how much do you think most people drink alcohol? According to the NIHÂ (National Institutes for Health), low-risk/moderate drinking for women is seven or fewer drinks a week. And no more than one drink at a time."
(Bonus response if you are a snarky ass mo-fo like muah: "What is that like your 4th Jaeger bomb? I'm sure you won't feel punished at all tomorrow morning.")
Drinker/Questioner using the word study: - "All the studies show alcohol is good for us".
Response:
1. "Name one study."
And when their face goes blank, you could gently reference how the dairy and meat industries back most of the pro dairy and meat studies. I would then (again gently) inform them that the same is true for the alcohol industry and their "studies."
2. "Actually, have you heard about the global study published in The Lancet in August 2018? To summarize, no amount of alcohol is healthy. You should check it out if you like studies".   Â
Savoir-faire:
Having the confidence, ability and knowledge of what to do in any situation.
I know that when I'm in a social situation with people who I don't know, the topic will come up. Rarely the questioning is a simple exchange. Most of the time, people dig deeper. Of course, I will get the usual rude and insensitive blanket statements about AA and asking if I'm an "alcoholic or something." That is not to say that all people asking questions want to throw shade. Some really do ask out of honest curiosity. Maybe they have even considered not drinking themselves (most certainly) or just want tips to try it. But again, it's usually them telling me about their relationship with alcohol. So listen closely when people ask you about drinking because more than likely, they are telling you something about themselves. Â
Don't get me wrong, I welcome these conversations wholeheartedly, and I am an open book for the true seeker. But I cannot stress this enough: if you feel uncomfortable, get out of the situation. Simply walk away. There is no reason to defend, explain, or justify yourself to anyone, especially someone who only wants to argue their side. Quite frankly, they don't have a say in your choice not to drink.
When your friend is the asshole:
This is incredibly unfortunate, and something I never really had to deal with until the summer of 2019. Yes, some of my friendships changed after I quit drinking for obvious reasons but nothing like the wedding weekend incident. The story is much too long to write it out in this newsletter, but let me say this, I too have struggled with assholes. I know how brutal it can feel when someone turns on you simply because you don't drink. I understand how both a random night and special event can be utterly ruined due to the insecurities and mean-girl tactics that someone can present.Â
I know ASSholes!
I also know that once you cross a boundary with me in such a way, there is simply no going back.
Dear reader, there are friendships that can handle the pivot your life may be taking, but other relationships will not. It is not your responsibility to make other people feel comfortable, nor is it your problem if they are. You are the only person looking out for you, so hold yourself in the highest regard, no matter what. And when people you care about treat you like shit in any capacity, it's time to say goodbye.Â
RESOURCES
ARTICLE
BOOKSÂ
Judgement Detox by Gabby Bernstein
You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
ONLINE RESOURCES
PODCAST
HOME podcast - ep73 Hell is Other People
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
What are some of your go-to answers when people question why you are not drinking?
What are three comfortable and true statements you could use? Try practicing them out loud.
When you are about to go to a social event, do you have a POA for leaving?
What are some ways you can lessen the anxiety you may feel before going out?
How have you shown courage recently?
How do you feel about this phrase - *SAVOIR-FAIRE?
This phrase can have a sense of one needing to be correct/proper in situations, but let's twist it just a bit and use it in terms of what is correct/proper for YOU.
This does not mean you must be graceful, courteous or well-mannered, it means YOU know how to handle yourself in any situation with confidence. Even if it is kindly (or not so kindly) telling someone off.