Dear Sweet Girl,

Celebrating NINE years alcohol free

The Sober Glow Studio is a space for stories, recommendations, and resources on the art of living an alcohol-free lifestyle, navigating midlife health, and anything that simply feels good.

For anyone new here, I disabled this newsletter's paid subscription portion while taking a summer hiatus. I plan to reinstate it at the end of the summer, September 20th, to be exact. XX, Mia

When I went to sleep on September 10th, 2015, I had no idea how significant that day would be. I can’t remember if it was that day that I decided enough was enough or if I simply didn’t drink that day, and then later that week, I decided I was done drinking. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I turned that ship around.

I heard an analogy the other day about choices and habits. It loosely went something like this: When one of those massive cargo ships needs to turn around, it doesn’t just flip and head in a different direction. It takes time, patience, and tiny, consistent adjustments to make a change. Eventually, the sailors will wake up one morning and see they are headed in a different direction.

The analogy is intended to comfort someone making a change in their life, letting them know they must be patient but consistent, and then one day, they will be rewarded with a different life.

But that’s not what I am talking about.

When I chose to quit the habit of drinking, my life was like that big massive cargo ship. But instead of my change in direction taking time, it was as if the hand of god reached down, picked me up, physically pointed me in another direction, and then set me back down in the water. That not so simple, yet single decision was my life’s instantaneous compass redirect.

Before I quit drinking, my life was fine. By all appearances, I checked all the boxes and had all the things. I lived in NYC, was healthy, had a solid and meaningful career, married to a kind man who loved my family, and had many friends from different areas of my life.

DEAR SWEET GIRL, BE HONEST.

But we all know that beneath the surface, the truth lies. Let’s dig into what fine actually felt like to me at the time.

NYC. It was one time my favorite city, but I had to leave it. The city that never sleeps is a sweet bitch of a city that can turn even the most committed and dedicated into a sleep-deprived, dive bar dancing, cigarette smoking, tequila tossing, burnout boasting stick figure. And that sweet bitch of a city can keep all your secrets, which is never good for anyone. Not to mention, if you have lived there long enough (me, 20 years), nearly every corner holds a memory of debauchery.

I earned my drinking wings in NYC while working at a bar not entirely unlike Coyote Ugly. I also clipped those wings in NYC. However, the scale was so imbalanced: eighteen years of drinking vs. two years of not drinking.

Healthy. Physically, yes, I was healthy. I was also young. I was strong and flexible. I was a marathon runner (one time, but still, that shit counts) as well as that one olympic triathlon, and let’s not forget the years I was instructing yoga. This all came naturally to me. I was always fit; it was in my genes. However, being mentally healthy was another story. I never slept well. I ate like shit. I didn’t have any control over my nervous system. I spent a lot of time in a state of anxiety, which, to be honest, I had no idea was anxiety. I was always on high alert. And any time I drank, I would wake up with that excruciating wired and tired feeling that would paralyze my entire next morning.

Solid and meaningful career. Yes, it was a great career on paper; however, it was a terrible job. The year before quitting, I was suffering from the worst insomnia and stress I have ever had to deal with. The night shift all but killed me. I was a nervous wreck, and it was taking its toll on my mental health and my relationships, especially my marriage.

Marriage. My marriage was suffering. I was feeling so out of control in my life and my body. I could not face myself or take any real responsibility for my choices. The only thing I could do was grasp for some control, which meant focusing on how my partner needed to change - and that never, ever works.

Family. My mother and I are like oil and water, and I have never allowed her to control me. Add in a bigger-than-life mother-in-law, and my boundaries were always being crossed. I dealt with all this by drinking while I was with them.

Friends. I had friendships not built around drinking, like my school friends, yoga friends, and friends from growing up. Any one of these people I could have gone out to dinner with and not had any alcohol, and I would have loved just being with them. However, most of my friends were from the bar I worked at in my early 20s. Either co-workers or people I met there. And that environment was built on a solid foundation of shots, shots, shots. I quickly realized that when you remove the glue in a relationship, it will either find something else to stay connected to or it will untether itself and dissolve.

I share this because I know what life is like when it’s fine. I lived many, many years walking around just being fine. Until fine was no longer good enough. And on September 10th, 2015, I took responsibility for my life and redirected.

Dear sweet girl, I hope that if you live a life full of fines, you have the strength and courage to lift your boat entirely out of the water, turn it in another direction, and discover a whole new way of feeling.

And trust me when I say this - you deserve so much better than fine.

Whether you have found decades or a single day of choosing this way of living, I am grateful for you and am honored to walk this path with you.

XX, Mia