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-pic from Beatrice (shared w/ permission)
When I read this question from Beatrice, I immediately felt the frustration and overwhelm she must have been feeling. And I don’t blame her. Standing at the crossroads of a drinking lifestyle vs. a non-drinking lifestyle can be ridiculously overwhelming, no matter how or why one arrived at that crossroad to begin with.
I wanted to share this question because it’s not just one question but about eight questions in one. Sobriety is complex, and yet when we break it down into small bite-size pieces, I believe it becomes more palatable. Whether Beatrice knows it or not, she sees some part of herself in me. Whatever I am writing or posting online, she is connecting to it because she has it inside of her. And that alone is in her favor.
1 - She has a knowing “I love to drink (wine) but I know it’s bad for me”
2 - Her health is being affected. “diagnosed with pancolitis” “diet and lifestyle will have to change”
3 - She loves her lifestyle of drinking “love going to Napa” “love my wine”
4 - She has a partner who is a “huge wine drinker”
5 - She’s dealing with a loss of identity, “sad” “depressed” “can’t seem to grasp”
6 - She’s self-deprecating “I know I sound shallow”
7 - She believes people who don’t drink are doing it with sheer “willpower”
8 - She is worried about upcoming events, such as “holidays”
1 - A knowing - “I love to drink (wine) but I know it’s bad for me”
Whether you are someone who has already quit drinking or wants to or has to, or is just curious about whether or not it’s something that should be considered, if you have that “knowing,” you must honor it. I am a full believer in the power of intuition and no matter how tuned out we are or how much we don’t believe in that woo-woo shit, if your inner voice is telling you something is not right….then something is not right. I can not tell you how many times I heard this voice over the years while I was still drinking. I’ve shared this many times, but my journal entry from my 21st birthday literally said, “this is not for me.”
The thing is, many of us, if not all of us, will hear that voice, and then we will immediately ignore it, shove it away, laugh it off, argue with it, or say, yea, I hear you, but I just don’t want to deal with you right now.
Everyone is different, and how we handle that voice will be different. But no matter what, you are not unique. You are not unique in thinking that you are the only person who loves drinking wine, so this decision is extra hard for you. No. Quitting drinking in this culture, any culture, honestly, is going to be hard in some way. Of course, the level of hard will vary. But we can’t think for one second that we are unique and our story is different. The journey is different, yes. The reasons that got us there may be different, yes. But ultimately the fact is that we all have to choose (whether we have to, want to, or are forced to) is the same. We are single-handedly the only person responsible for the actual and literal decision to drink or not to drink. Period.
I personally have moved away from the demonizing of alcohol. And the same goes for most things. But alcohol is neutral. It’s how we as individuals choose to use it. Not to go too deep into this concept, but alcohol has been used for thousands of years for things other than to change our state. For example, mouthwash and herbal tincture carriers.
You must find it in yourself to trust this voice and follow it. You have nothing to lose by trying. We get so caught up on being perfect, and if we do something, it has to be 100% all in, or it doesn’t count or something, and we often don’t give ourselves the gift of just exploring. There is nothing wrong with testing the waters to see how you feel. Try one night, one weekend, one week. Something small and attainable. I personally don’t suggest moderating because once you start drinking, all bets are off. The concept of moderating is great, yes, but the actuality of it is a hard no. Yes, 1-2 drinks may be ok, but once that alcohol reaches your brain, specifically the decision-making part of the brain, your frontal lobe, you are inhibited in some way. How many times have you said you would go out for just one drink, only to wake up the next day with a regrettable hangover having no idea how that went so bad? It’s because the brain that originally said just one, is not the same brain that says yes or no to the third and fourth drink.
While I was coaching clients or just talking to people in general, I always suggest they take a night off completely and document how they feel. I want them to start testing this on themselves rather than make big lofty plans and unattainable goals for no clear reason why.
So if you know that drinking is not for you, explore it and try it out. Go easy on yourself and give yourself loads of grace in the process. But, if you fall into this next category and your health is acutely compromised, please read on.
2 - Health is being affected - “diagnosed with pancolitis” “diet and lifestyle will have to change”
For the non-medical reader, pancolitis is the inflammation of the entire colon. It’s something I know well because I worked with GI (gastrointestinal patients) for several years. As a woman with experience in the alcohol-free lifestyle as well as being a registered nurse, I can say with an educated urgency, don’t f*ck with alcohol if there is a health condition. We get so caught up with removing toxins from our food, skincare, home products, clothing, etc., but we rarely, if ever, consider the alcohol we ingest into our sweet little bodies. And as someone who doesn’t like to demonize substances (alcohol, sugar, gluten, non-organic fruit…), it’s not the toxin, but the amount of toxin we are ingesting that has me more concerned. Because when people drink, they usually don’t just drink 1-2 glasses a week. It’s more like 2-3 glasses a night (for the social drinkers, as per social standards) and a bottle or two for the drinkers who are really getting after it. Of course, there is a large spectrum here, but I think you get what I am saying. It’s more about the amount than the toxic quality of the substance. I for one, was consuming a hell of a lot more alcohol than I was consuming non-organic strawberries covered in pesticides. But telling someone to stop eating non-organic strawberries is a lot different than the conversation you will have when you suggest cutting out their alcohol.
In this case, when health is on the line, and someone really needs to stop, and the wiggle room to explore this choice isn’t there anymore, the first thing I would suggest is getting your team together. Tell your PCP and gastroenterologist, get a therapist, or coach, talk to other non-drinkers, and get your closest most valued, and trustworthy friends and family involved.
If you believe you have an addiction, get help immediately. Along with the above suggestions, you can also include inpatient or outpatient rehab and/or other addiction services, including meetings or a variety of programs to help with addiction and recovery.
3 - Loves this lifestyle of drinking - “love going to Napa” “love my wine”
I have no doubt that you love your drinking lifestyle. We don’t do something consistently if we are not getting something from it. Beatrice, I don’t know you personally, so I don’t know exactly what you love about drinking wine and the lifestyle specifically, but I think I could make a pretty good guess.
To start, it’s the number one socially accepted drug ever. It can make us feel good. It can calm our nerves. It can make us feel part of something. We can feel less insecure, more free, less scared, more loving, etc.
The choice to drink can make life easy in many, many ways and in ways that we don’t often consider until we no longer drink and the activity of drinking is no longer an option. When we are drinkers, we always have something to do. When you don’t drink, certain aspects of drinking culture get more tricky. Like deciding what to do with friends getting together. How to interact with co-workers outside of work. What to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon when the sun is shining. How to date. Getting married. Getting divorced. Hosting parties. Going on vacation.
As I mentioned, it gets tricky, and it takes work to come up with things to do that are not centered around alcohol. But it’s totally possible. And it can be quite an adventure in itself if you can stay open to it. But honestly the first couple of months, you will probably just be getting your bearings. Keep the people who you trust the most, the closest.
4 - A partner who drinks - “huge wine drinker”
I am assuming your husband is aware of all that is going on and that you need to stop drinking due to health reasons. Serious health reasons. I hope he is understanding and can be a steadfast rock for you as you navigate this new lifestyle. I have heard many stories of partners who are beyond supportive and even go as far as quitting themselves. I have also been shocked by the level of assholery that has been offered by other partners. I am not sure where your husband falls in the support arena, only that you said he is a huge wine drinker.
I think couples therapy would be very healthy and a great way to really discuss the gravity of this choice. Therapy can also suggest ways in which he can fully support you as well as how you can support yourself if your partner is not fully on board. You need to be fiercely honest with yourself and, when you are ready, with your partner as well.
Getting your footing and taking care of your needs comes first. Not your partners. This may sound a bit harsh, but you have to put yourself first. And you need to figure out exactly what and who you need in your life right now.
I know this is all sounding like a lot, but I want to repeat this over and over. It is worth it. Putting yourself first and taking care of your health is so imperative. We get one chance here. Why not live life to the fullest in the healthiest way possible? I only want for you and everyone else what I want for myself - to wake up feeling good and energized and ready to be the fully embodied human my loved ones need me to be.
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