Boundaries

Love or hate.....or both. A sensitive little girl. Electric fences. And a short tale of saying F*ck no and making it weird.

As always, for a better reader experience, go directly to the Feel Good Studio substack website thesoberglow.substack.com, or open up the browser from the button on the top right of this email, or download the app. xx Mia

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How do you feel about boundaries? Do you feel you need them? Do you even know what a boundary is, what it looks like, what it feels like? Do you feel weird or guilty for having them or wanting them? Or do you feel your boundaries are more like electric fences? Have you ever been called a rude name because you expressed a boundary? Or maybe you naturally navigate this world with ease.

I grew up an only child to a single mother. I was not taught boundaries, nor did my mother demonstrate them in any way that was memorable to me. If I had them, I certainly didn’t claim them. What I was though was co-dependent. Something I was unaware of and wouldn’t claim until later in life. I was easily affected by other people’s moods, attitudes, and emotional states. For example, if someone entered the room angry, I immediately felt it and assumed I had done something wrong. I took on and took the blame for another person’s emotion and had no idea I was doing it nor did I know how to clean that behavior up. My mother was the same way - and still is really. I was a little sensitive human being that grew up into a big sensitive human being. However, as a young adult, I learned how to protect myself by picking up some fierce boundaries. Remember the electric fence comment above? Yea, that was me. Even still, but actively working and learning to be a bit softer with them.

I know the term “highly sensitive person” is overly used these days, so I try to use it sparingly when describing myself. But honestly, it’s a great descriptor. I feel everything, and I have learned that I need protection from other people in order not to feel them or whatever energy it is they are carrying with them. Since I was a teenager I have been called cold, bitchy, stand-offish, rude, and every other term imaginable in this realm. And yea, sometimes I am all those things but 90% of the time it is protection. So for me and my history, I have learned that it’s necessary to set boundaries and to do so without issue, guilt, or regret. And as much as I love people and want everyone to like me (yes, believe it or not) I do not lean into people pleasing all that much. But don’t get me wrong, I love my people fiercely….it just takes me a while to let them in. Pretty much all my besties will confirm that they either didn’t like me, they hated me, they thought I was a bitch, or they were scared of me when they first met me. But once you’re in, you’re in.

I feel I may have digressed a bit here. My point is that yes, everyone needs to have boundaries whether they know it or not. But there are certain folk who naturally know how to implement them for whatever reasons. I happen to be one of them.

BOUNDARIES AND MY DECISION NOT TO DRINK

As I enter my seventh year of this non-drinking lifestyle, I can look back and see many ways where I set boundaries to protect my decision not to drink. Remember, boundaries are not about changing other people’s behavior, but changing what you will and will not accept. For example:

• I didn’t tell anyone other than my husband and best bud for the first 100 days. I didn’t want anyone to talk me out of it.

• I bailed on a girl’s trip to New Orleans last minute because I knew if I put myself in that situation, I would have never stayed sober. Some are still pissy about it. No regrets, best decision ever.

• I stopped going out for happy hours and instead suggested brunch and dinners. Much easier to dodge drinking when food is also an option.

• Once I started telling people, I told ALL the people. Great way to get accountability without asking for accountability.

• Started a public social media account. Again, a huge way to attain accountability.

• I never minded being around others drinking. However, I would leave immediately if someone I was with was sloppy. This is definitely a personal preference.

• I happily chose NA drinks in drinking environments. Again, personal preference.

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I’ve talked about my quit story and how it was a pretty easy transition to make once I made that decision. And I believe a large part of this was because I am so used to setting boundaries I just did it naturally without even thinking about it. Saying NO is very easy for me. Whether that’s not drinking booze, spending money on frivolous things, taking on extra work, or making set plans on a Friday night in LA (which I refuse to do because of the horrific traffic). I’m pretty solid when I make a decision because I am committed to honoring my word.

I have many, many stories around drinking, not drinking, and boundaries but one that comes to mind is this. I was out with a group of women at a restaurant. I knew roughly half of the women at the table, and the other half were friends of my friend whom we were celebrating. At the end of the dinner, the plan was for us all to head over to a nightclub. I had taken a car service to the restaurant, but a couple of the women drove their own cars. As we were all finishing up and getting ready to leave, one of the girls driving said I could ride with her. At first, I politely declined and said I had no problem grabbing an uber. She wasn’t having it. She then insisted that I ride with her. No big deal, my car is big enough for everyone, she said. I stood there smiling, again politely declining her offer and trying not to make it a big deal. Then another woman piped in and said I should jump in the girl’s car and forget the uber. At this point, I told them I was going to go home, and I didn't want her to go out of her way. Now it got weird. Everyone was standing there trying to figure out why I had just changed my mind and why the hell I wouldn’t get in the girl’s car.

I held my ground, it got weird, and I didn’t explain further.

The thing is, I had just sat across the table from this woman who I watched pound no less than four vodka martinis as she became increasingly more shitfaced.

So NO. I was not going to get into her car. Even if there was room. Even if it was a free ride and it made sense.

But I didn’t know this woman, and I didn’t want to embarrass her or make anyone else uncomfortable. I just held my ground and let them think whatever they wanted. Everyone eventually piled out of the restaurant, and as I was saying my goodbyes, one of the women who was getting into the car looked over at me and loudly stated “look at you and all your boundaries”. We then held eye contact for longer than necessary, me smiling, her straight face staring….then she shut the door.

God….Damn….Right, I thought as I waved them goodbye. Praying nothing would happen to them.

There are definitely different scenarios that could have played out. I could have just got into the damn car and hoped not to die. I could have made a joke about how much she drank at the dinner table and hoped she would take the hint. I could have offered to drive her car, although I didn’t have my glasses. I could have insisted she not drive and that she give me her keys.

It was a tricky situation, and life will put ALL of us into these situations. So when it happens to you, because it will, it’s good to have a solid sense of what you will and will not tolerate AND the know-how and bravery to express it the way that works for you.

Solid. Steadfast. Unwavering.

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BOOK CLUB

As you all know we officially started the Feel Good Studio book club today. The book pick is the NYTimes bestseller The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. If you would like to join us, please subscribe to the Feel Good Studio.

If you are already a subscriber, a few notes:

• The first discussion THREAD for chapters 1 - 2 - 3 and the dates for the live discussions are now up here:

• CHATS are live on the Substack APP. We will be discussing the book there as well as using this for real-time talk and resourcing. Think books, podcasts, mocktail recipes.….. Everyone is welcome to chime in and share their beloved favorites!

• To subscribe monthly or yearly. When you sign up make sure to check your spam and/or promotions tabs for your welcome email!

Wanna give someone inspiration?

Share a story about not drinking and holding boundaries in the comments below.

xx, Mia